Monday, April 22, 2013


      Have you ever noticed in movies that depict a self-realization for the main character, or a coming of age? They always begin with rocky and tense moments, and by the end of the movie the person would drive away on a straight road with trees lining it in either spring, or fall. For the longest time in my life I wholeheartedly believed in the Disney life of a girl. And just like all endings to every Disney movie, I always thought there was going to be a moment when life was going to be stable, and I'll just be on a steady incline of becoming better, happier, and have a higher eman. And everything around me proved its truth. My sisters got married at 18, and 20, and each suddenly became very happy. Every show or movie I watched ended at a scene where all the loose ends were tied, and every one's life was for the better. I believed strongly that I had to work on myself, and be a good Muslim, and I'll live my 'happilly ever after'. And through every tough stage, I believed that the next one was going to be when I lived happily ever after. After multiple stages, I finally realized that it wasn't coming and it was impossible for it to even happen. And I became happier.

      I guess its like a roller coaster. When you're on an outdoor one, you know exactly whats coming next, you know when you're going to dip and when you're going to go back up. When you're on a roller coaster that's in the dark you live every second wondering when the next dip is, and you're focused on that. When is it gonna change again??! And if you expect a slight dip, but get a very sudden and very steep dip, you feel your heart clench from fear because in the middle you're wondering how much longer its gonna go, if you're going to fall off, and all these irrational fears come to you.

      But what if you get on that roller coaster simply knowing that's its gonna go up, and its gonna go down? You'd be mildly surprised with every dip, but you won't get a heart clenching fear. Which is a fear I feel often from the changes going on in my life. I used to/am very terrified of roller coasters. But I go on every one each time I go, because I fear of that fear sticking on me forever. And with each one I used to grind my teeth, clench my eyes tight, and hold as tightly as I could to the seat, obviously I had a terrible time. I would always get off with an incredibly tense body, and I never understood why people loved roller coasters until the last time I went on it. That time I decided to let loose, I was going to raise my arms and have a blast. So I got on Nitro, put my arms up, and imagined that this was another way of flying. I broke out laughing from the fun it was going up, down and turning around. What does this have anything to do with life? Life is like going on Nitro in the dark. You have no idea whats coming next, all you know, though, is that you're gonna be going up and down really fast. That's how life is, you can go crazy out of fear of what might or might not happen next, or you can calm down and take it in stride. Before every roller coaster I used to be sure that I was going to hate it, and I did. Until that one time where I decided to love it, and I did.

I was struck by the irony of heart monitors. When a patient is attached to it and is alive, the line goes up and down, sometimes its very sharp and sometimes its not as much. But the moment you die, it transforms into a heart-breaking line. I realized how symbolic that is of life, before you die you constantly have sharp ups and downs, and after every down an up comes, and after every up comes a down. But then your heart stops and you reach a stable moment. And whatever level you were on just before you died is the level you stay at.

I hope this was inspirational.